What to do? What to do?

UGH! Huge dilemma... I have an opportunity to do a small local craft show that benefits my son's school. The entrance fee is cheap, cheap, cheap so I wouldn't be out a WHOLE lot of money if it didn't work out and I couldn't participate...

I've started to make these adorable little ornaments to offer
customers affordable and unique gift ideas or home decor.

 The problem is my damn body! I've been enduring a wicked flare for the last month or so. Some days I'm great and others are hell. I'm dealing with more pain than usual and it's really wrecking my plans! LOL I've got too much to do fun to be had! I haven't done a craft show in over six long years and I MISS IT! I miss having a one-on-one connection with my customers and the public. I miss the adrenaline rush of setting up my display and anticipating the day. I miss going over the checklist a million times... cash box and change? Glue, tape and scissors? Cute bags and packing material? Business cards and free candies and hand-outs?

I love to see how people react to my creations. I love the challenging
customers who say that they "could make it themselves". Killing people
with kindness and a sense of humor is FUN for me and God-willing,
I seem to easily rise to the occasion.

With this particular show, I am able to set up my booth the night before. My merchandise can't be displayed until the morning, but WOW! Setting up the night before would really break up the hard, physical labor for me. I could have all the difficult tasks done, go home, get to bed early, sleep well and start fresh the day of the show. Could it work? Will my body cooperate?

I am having so much fun using up all kinds of vintage finds that I've
been collecting hoarding over the years... light reflectors, floral picks with snowman
(like the one in this photo), wonderful old flocked ornaments that I'm dressing
up with shiny sequins and ribbons and bells, vintage garland and Santas...

you should SEE my studio with all of these chotchkies everywhere...

it looks like Santa's workshop!!! LOL

I guess this is what I should do... I should pay the entrance fee and register. If I can do it, I CAN DO IT! If I can't... all the fruits of my labor will NOT be lost. I will list all the fun "junque" that I've made in my Etsy Shop, right? But can I handle the disappointment if my body fails me? How could I turn it into a positive? Could I handle the anger and resentment of my diagnosis? You'd think that after four years of sharing my body with Multiple Sclerosis this should be getting easier. Most days it is... some days it's just not!

Where have I been?

It's been one of THOSE WEEKS! I haven't had one in a long time so I've conveniently forgotten how tremendous and awful they are and how they effect my WHOLE LIFE, including my Big Guy's and son's. I have Multiple Sclerosis and I'm flaring... BAD. I am dizzy and off-balance. I cling to walls to support myself. My head feels too heavy for my neck to support it and it feels like it could fall off, landing on the floor in a heavy thud beside me. I am constantly on a platform of great heights, fighting for balance, hovering over a long drop into the unknown. Any quick motion or slight breeze could send me reeling over the dangerous edge, but I remind myself that there is a chair underneath, saving me from a great fall. I have weird zaps that explode in my calves like the firing of a Fourth of July sparkler. Just as I could scream in agony... it dissipates and it's fizzles out. Relief. The tremors rip down my spine and send rhythmic bounces up and down. I look as if my entire upper body is nodding "Good Day". Clearly it is NOT a good day. I am plagued with extreme fatigue that can never be fully described. It is coma-like. The thought of walking the grueling ten miles to the bathroom down the hall is too overwhelming to contemplate. Do I really have to go THAT bad? I've endured two, very sick newborn babies. My first prince had Pyloric Stenosis and was slowly starving before being diagnosed and receiving needed surgery. My second prince had Impressive Reflux and was in tremendous pain. Neither newborn slept well. In Life's pissing contest of being tired, I can promise you that M.S. exhaustion isn't comparable.

So this week my blog was neglected. My classes fell behind. The laundry pile grew. My creative energy dulled. My husband had to pick up the slack. Kids needed to get their own snacks. My world was put on pause.

Now we get to play detective. Is my flaring of symptoms because of the recent weather changes? Is it because I haven't seen my beloved Chiropractor in awhile? Am I fighting an infection? My husband and I look for the clues to solve the puzzle... SOMETHING is going on inside my body. It's time to call the doctor with my vague list. He understands the disconnect that M.S. has caused between me and my body.

For now, my Big Guy and the boys, we push through. We still laugh and giggle. We sing. The three of them tip-toe around me because they know I am not strong right now. I think it scares them, my weakness. Most of the time, we quietly live with Multiple Sclerosis and it's no big deal. These are the times that it stares at us head on, taunting us with the "what ifs". Serious relapse? Wheelchair? Hospitalization? But again, for now, we push on through and do the best we can. So friends, bear with me... I'll pick up the pieces again soon. I promise.