Sunday, October 14, 2012

Where have I been?

It's been one of THOSE WEEKS! I haven't had one in a long time so I've conveniently forgotten how tremendous and awful they are and how they effect my WHOLE LIFE, including my Big Guy's and son's. I have Multiple Sclerosis and I'm flaring... BAD. I am dizzy and off-balance. I cling to walls to support myself. My head feels too heavy for my neck to support it and it feels like it could fall off, landing on the floor in a heavy thud beside me. I am constantly on a platform of great heights, fighting for balance, hovering over a long drop into the unknown. Any quick motion or slight breeze could send me reeling over the dangerous edge, but I remind myself that there is a chair underneath, saving me from a great fall. I have weird zaps that explode in my calves like the firing of a Fourth of July sparkler. Just as I could scream in agony... it dissipates and it's fizzles out. Relief. The tremors rip down my spine and send rhythmic bounces up and down. I look as if my entire upper body is nodding "Good Day". Clearly it is NOT a good day. I am plagued with extreme fatigue that can never be fully described. It is coma-like. The thought of walking the grueling ten miles to the bathroom down the hall is too overwhelming to contemplate. Do I really have to go THAT bad? I've endured two, very sick newborn babies. My first prince had Pyloric Stenosis and was slowly starving before being diagnosed and receiving needed surgery. My second prince had Impressive Reflux and was in tremendous pain. Neither newborn slept well. In Life's pissing contest of being tired, I can promise you that M.S. exhaustion isn't comparable.

So this week my blog was neglected. My classes fell behind. The laundry pile grew. My creative energy dulled. My husband had to pick up the slack. Kids needed to get their own snacks. My world was put on pause.

Now we get to play detective. Is my flaring of symptoms because of the recent weather changes? Is it because I haven't seen my beloved Chiropractor in awhile? Am I fighting an infection? My husband and I look for the clues to solve the puzzle... SOMETHING is going on inside my body. It's time to call the doctor with my vague list. He understands the disconnect that M.S. has caused between me and my body.

For now, my Big Guy and the boys, we push through. We still laugh and giggle. We sing. The three of them tip-toe around me because they know I am not strong right now. I think it scares them, my weakness. Most of the time, we quietly live with Multiple Sclerosis and it's no big deal. These are the times that it stares at us head on, taunting us with the "what ifs". Serious relapse? Wheelchair? Hospitalization? But again, for now, we push on through and do the best we can. So friends, bear with me... I'll pick up the pieces again soon. I promise.


  1. your strength gives us strength ;we are so very proud of all your accomplishments!! this post brought me to tears to think everyday the battle that you face; I wish I could fight them for you! I hope you know how much I admire you and your strength as you fight this disease I'm very honored to be your friend & very proud of the way you fight this disease never give up girl!! I wish I lived closer so I could help you :( but I'm so very happy that you have a wonderful husband, so I know you're not battling this alone!! I love you girl stay strong!!!

  2. You did a great job with that blog giving us a look inside your pain, helping us to understand the day to day struggle and the trials it put you "all" through. That said, I'm sorry it is a blog you ever had to write. I hope today finds you feeling lifted and lighter, happier...sending you love and wishing you good days when your creative spirit takes over and supersedes the pain. June Maddox Give your creative spirit a CAPE! :)