Mother's Day Schmother's Day!

Mother's Day is coming... It will be the first one without her. I used to dread Mother's Day. Hallmark doesn't  sell cards specifically for tense mother/daughter relationships, broken and frail. I used to be annoyed and resentful of the day. I craved a quiet kind of nothingness... My idea of a perfect Mother's Day was a day without mothers and children, a day of peace. My mom's and my twisted, tangled and confusing past surpassed any hopes of giving her the perfect gift or card, the kind that would bring her to tears and phone calls filled with gushiness. Nope. Nada. Wasn't going to happen.

This year I am looking forward to Mother's Day for incredibly different and hopeful reasons. This year will be the first Mother's Day without my beautiful and FUNNY and creative and complicated mother. She slipped from our lives and this Earth on St. Patrick's Day. EFF Cancer BTW. She confided in me a few months ago (when we knew she was dying) that she didn't want to die alone. I find it comforting now, to realize looking back, that she certainly didn't die alone. The tiny bedroom was FILLED with her family, the people that she was the closest too, both geographically and emotionally. I was honored to be in that room and I try not to question if it meant something to her... my presence. Anyway, this year I get to honor my mother. I've made peace that her and I lost YEARS to mis-communication, self-esteems, jealousy, depression, illness, and worst of all... stubbornness. What can I say? I got it from her?!?!?! This Mother's Day I will be honoring her, her strengths, accomplishments, sacrifices, generosity and her stubbornness. I love her more now than I ever knew possible and have more respect for her than I ever thought I could give. I am so proud that SHE was MINE. She was my mother.

Things that remind me of her:

pink roses
sand castles
mermaids
pretty dolls & teddies
chintz
post it notes
black fine tip Sharpies
a pile of magazines
catalogs
cigarette smoke
curly hair
pictures of myself
Dial soap
strawberry ice cream
Dad

Denise Ann Jones Glowacki  July 25th, 1952 - March 17th, 2013